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Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village

Web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun.


Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.


Nation’s Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: ‘Let’s Move In Together’

Girlfriends’ spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right now.


NHL Woos Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line

Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.


NHL Woos Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line

Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.


Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party.


Congressman’s Son Won’t Shut The Hell Up During Hearing

Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son.


Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don’t even care about.


Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As ‘Fun, Watchable’

Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams’ enjoyable, engaging prequal betrays what Star Trek is all about.


Should We Be Doing More To Reduce The Graphic Violence In Our Dreams?

In The Know panelists discuss whether seeing images of dead babies and bludgeoned prostitutes in our sleep is desensitizing Americans to violence.


Autoworkers Compete To Keep Jobs, Livelihoods On New Reality Show

Tune in to Auto Warriors to watch two Ford plants battle it out before the LIVE season finale event: one plant will close, 3,000 will get the axe!


Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars

Treasury Officials say the dye used in printed money is extremely toxic and urge Americans to send all their cash to Washington immediately.


Michael Bay Signs $50M Deal To Fuck Up ‘ThunderCats’

In the largest deal ever made to shit out a movie, Warner Bros. and director Michael Bay announced a landmark $50 million agreement this week to monumentally fuck up ThunderCats. “I couldn’t be more excited to completely fuck this up,” said Bay, who plans to begin production on destroying the live-action adaptation next month. “ThunderCats has a great story, endearing characters, action, adventure, space-travel, and fantasy. It will be an honor to run it into the ground.” – from The Onion


New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In Face

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Click here to play the game….


Children Exposed To Porn May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable

Panelists discuss how pornography warps children’s minds, leading them to believe sex is actually fun rather than shameful and embarrassing.


DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack

Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn’t investigate other suspects.


Creditors Repossess New England From Debt-Ridden U.S.

“They’ve been giving us the runaround on this money for a long time now, so we had no choice,” said Victor Migliore of the Bayonne, NJ-based collection agency. “We mailed them four warnings and called the Capitol and White House at least 10 times each, but they just ignored us. Maybe now they’ll finally realize we’re not fooling around about that $5,498,415,904,232.05 they owe.”

“Make that $5,498,417,034,983.87,” added Migliore, recalculating the growing debt after a two-second pause.

At 9 a.m., fences and highway barriers were placed across the border separating New York from Vermont, Massachusetts and Connecticut by professional “repo” men in the employ of G. Schmidt Collection Agency. Under the terms of the repossession, New England’s 13 million residents have been given seven days to vacate the region or face criminal-trespassing charges. No citizen will be permitted to re-enter New England “until the entire debt is repayed or a mutually satisfactory repayment schedule has been agreed upon.” Tolls collected on the Massachusetts Turnpike during the exodus will go toward payment of the debt, but experts say such funds are unlikely to exceed $20 million.

From The Onion


Local Raccoons Once Again Take The Fall For Area Man

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For the third time in as many weeks, South Natick’s local raccoon population took the blame Monday for the actions of 37-year-old sales manager Louis O’Halloran. “Goddamn raccoons,” said neighbor Jim Tunney, 50, as he cleaned up the debris scattered across his yard the morning after O’Halloran accidentally sideswiped his garbage bins while trying to change radio stations in the car. “I had to buy these plastic cans because they wrecked my good aluminum ones last month. This is really starting to get out of hand.” The upending of Tunney’s trash receptacles is only the most recent example of raccoons being held responsible for property damage actually caused by O’Halloran. This month alone the nocturnal creatures have been faulted for a hole O’Halloran’s wife discovered in the wall of their garage—the result of a clumsily handled cinder block—and next-door neighbor Thomas Fallon’s felled downspout, which was in fact brought down by O’Halloran’s basketball after a poorly aimed jumpshot. – From The Onion


Lawmaker’s War Hero Son Would Have Wanted Road Bill Passed

Rep. David Whittle (D-VA) speaks passionately about how his son, who died in Iraq, would have loved to see this appropriations bill passed.


Prague’s Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport

Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere.