Live Blogging the 81st Oscars, Drunk!

(New stuff at top, older stuff at bottom…)

Goodnite….

We told you. Slumdog sweeps the Oscars… Everyone, on stage! “Passion and belief, anything is possible.”

Best Picture goes to Slumdog Millionaire…

Steven Spielberg? “Capable of anything…” “Destiny.”

Best Actor goes to… SEAN PENN! “You homo loving commie sons of guns…” “Equal rights for everyone…” Nice nod to Mickey….

Ah, Randy the Ram. “The returning champ…”

Sean Penn, has got to win this….

OLD GUYS! Okay, Best Actor. Frank! Sean Penn! Funny, DeNiro! Brad Pitt. Blah… buttons…

“I was 8 years old, staring into the mirror, talking into a shampoo bottle…” “Whistle something!” “Anthony and Sydney, this is for you…” Great speech, lovely.

KATE…..!!!! Of course, KATE WINS IT! Deserves this win.

Angelina intro by Nicole. Not much warmth…

Wonderful, but Kate is gonna win this.

Best Actress!!! Wow, such legends… Awww, Anne….

Best Director — should go to Danny Boyle. YES, THE SWEEP CONTINUES, DANNY TAKES IT!!!! SLUMDOG!!!! Tigger… What a great film maker… Such great movies, each movie different. A real artist.

Reese is way too thin!

Move on dot org guys…

The Queen… Always sad. Ollie Johnson. Bernie Mac. Roy. Issac. Richardo. Stan Winston! Chuck. Anthony. Pollack. Paul Newman. Wow.

On with the show! (shot!) Left the room for a few… who’s that guy?

(I didn’t know Hoover still made vacuums…)

SLUMDOG TO WIN ALL!!!! Ha… Bollywood takes Hollywood!

Wow, Slumdog is rocking the house! I think we know they’re gonna win all.

Slumdog sweeps continues. Best original score!

Ok, I’m getting tired, let’s move along.

“This touches my heart…” – Jerry Lewis.

Poor Eddie Murphy… Looks nice and thin, tho. Jerry is less puffy. He better not bash the gays… Hello Dino!

A tribute to Jerry Lewis next… Good nite….

And the sweep continues on…… Slumdog!

Slumdog sweep continues!

Will Smith. ok. Visual effects. The Dark Knight has gotta take it! Buttons?! Blah. Sound editing…. Dark Knight?!! YESSSSS So cool….

Wait, are these the 2008 Oscars? Fuck!

Bill Maher… zzz. Man on Wire. Brilliant docu! Fuck u, Bill, he did deserve.

Heath Ledger is the only winner. ONLY WINNER! Heath Ledger wins Oscar for Best Supporting Actor. Family goes up… “Ever so humbling…” “Son’s amazing work.” “Validated… in an industry he so loved….”

Cuba Jr. is here for the free food! Idiot.

Another glass. Another hour…

More Hugh! The musical is back. Beyoncé? Didn’t somebody punch her? Grease! Baz!

Seth is still way too thin. Fatten up, boy. Something won…. toyland?

ZZZZ. Ok mini-Judd Apatow flick. SETH! FRANCO! Zohan!

Jessica Biel. Really ?!?

Badger dog is great…

Get on with it. Stiller? Portman? Funny. Take that, Phoenix! Slumdog sweep continues….

Some dbag from Twilight… Hottie from Veronica Mars! Romance?

Best Make Up… Buttons. Blah. Whatever. Nice laundry list.

Ok, costumes… The Duchess… Never watched, don’t care. Get off the stage… Zzzz.

Horseface and Daniel Craig! Blah blah blah Buttons… Looked great tho.

Best short animated film? Who gives a fuck… Getting a drink. Oh, I loved Presto tho. Something else won. Ok… Drink.

WALL-E the ONLY WINNER! Should’ve been Best Picture. Yes, WALL-E takes it! Andrew Stanton back on stage again. Pixar rocks.

Maniston! Black! Jennifer is terrible… Why is this TV hack even here?

Screenplay – best adaption… Fuck Buttons! Dig Frost/Nixon!!!! Slumdog Millionaire!! The Slumdog sweep begins here.

Screenplay – best original… WALL-E! But Milk takes it! Worth it, deserves it. “Hope to live my life.” Touching speech. Fuck, i need more drink…

Tina Fey has that retard girl but fuckable look.

Ok, next. So far, enjoying new format. Tina Fey! Steve Martin!

Best supporting actress: Penelope Cruz. I still don’t think she knows where she is… Thanks Woody, thanks Harvey. She’s from aqua velva? Spanish!

Philip Seymour Hoffman. Take off your fuckin’ stocking hat — what, is it too cold there?

Hot Oscar ladies — yeah! Oh wait, not hot at all. Is Whoopi pregnant?

Meryl Streep. 15 nominations!

Why is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing a stocking hat?

“I’m Wolverinnnnnne!”

The Reader number was brilliant….

Man, I want to titty f – Anne Hathaway…

Brad Pitt seems to be enjoying himself.

Great opening number… Hugh is perfect doing this. Wow, so great on stage. Musicals are in his blood. Need more booze…

“Australian playing an Austrian in Australia.” – hilarious Hugh.

Kate Winslet, oh, I’m so shy. C’mon…

Hugh Jackman… Fuckin’ Wolverine!

Glittery gay Hollywood! Pretty set.

Live for the Kodak Theater. And Diet Coke… Wait, what?

Shot of Johnny Walker during the commercial. On with the fuckin’ show!

The ABC red carpet sucked! Why are they always douchebags?!

The Judd Apatow gang! Man, Leslie Mann is hot! I bet she gives great head. Seth Rogen is looking too thin. All for the Green Hornet movie, which I doubt will ever be made, so fatten up, Seth!

Jack Black. Hilarious and awkward.

Penélope Cruz. I don’t think she knows exactly where she is…

Meryl Streep. I’d still do her.

Less Billy Bush on the Red Carpet, which is always a good thing.

Welcome to show. Smoke em if you got em.

Check this space — I, Alex will be live bloggin ‘the 2009 Oscars with a MacBook and bottle of Johnny Walker scotch. No, really, dangerous, huh? Live reactions will be here. New stuff at top, older at bottom. Simple, right? Join me in comments below.

Meanwhile… Techcrunch…